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Philadelphia Dominatrix
Champion of Humbling men
& Brilliant DreamGirl Extraordinaire

newbies guide

A Complete Newbie's Guide to Seeing Pro-Dommes

I love popping a session-cherry, but first-timers are notoriously flakey,
disrespectful and annoying to deal with in the pre-session stage.
I know most of these problems are due to ignorance and nervousness rather than plain douchebaggery,
so I wrote this guide to help you out. In the time I've had it on my site,
many clients have told me that they found it very helpful. Hopefully you will too. 

Some notes before we start.

Because I am basing this on my personal experiences, this guide is definitely slanted towards Philadelphia newbies contacting independent Dominas. However, most of this also applies if you are booking through a Dungeon or if you are elsewhere in the world.

This guide is aimed at newbies but you may find it helpful
 if the Mistresses you see tend to respond negatively to you,
or if you frequently have trouble booking sessions.

If you have a brain in your head, most of this is pretty obvious.
You’d be surprised at how much difficulty some people have figuring it out on their own.


Before you contact Her


Know what you want.

I have had this conversation more times than I can count:

“Hi. I’d like to book a session.”

“Okay. What are your interests?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Can you give me some idea?”

“Uh, no, it’s my first time…”

There’s nothing wrong with being uncertain about your desires. Helping you learn about your desires is part of my job. That said, my sessions vary widely and I need at least some idea of what you’re into before I agree to see you. You might be into something I have no interest in, and then we’re both wasting our time.

Men see sex workers for a variety of reasons, but the most common is good old-fashioned horniness. You could have called an escort or a "massage" parlor. You could have gone to a strip club and looked at tits. Instead, you called me. There must be something that inspired that choice.

Are you interested in pain, humiliation, or both? Do you have a fetish? Do you want to be controlled? Most Mistresses list their session interests on their websites and/or in their ads. Look over the list and find a few things that appeal to you. If nothing listed appeals to you, she’s probably not a good fit.

If she does not have such a list, there are numerous BDSM glossaries online. I like this wikipedia one, because it’s fairly thorough and most of the items link to more in-depth articles. BDSM glossaries are also helpful if a Mistress has interests listed that you do not recognize. I have had prospective clients call me up to request definitions of interests I have listed. “Sploshing” is easy to google. So is “cuckolding.” I am a dominatrix, not a dictionary.

I wrote up a big long list of questions specifically to help new submissives define and articulate their desires. 

Be sure you’re ready.

Clients who describe themselves as first-timers have a very high flake rate. If I take the time to travel to my studio and and make myself all pretty just for you to never show up, I will not be happy. I don’t care if you’re nervous. I hate having my time wasted and I have my ways of getting revenge.

Before you book a session, be certain that you’re ready to go through with it.


Consider legal issues.

Many popular BDSM activities are illegal to exchange for money. In many cities, strap-on is illegal. So are enemas and golden showers. If I bring in a man for a forced-bi session I can be charged with pandering. Anything involving insertion, nudity or exchange of bodily fluids is prostitution in New York. Some Mistresses take the risk of advertising these things openly; some only do these activities with clients they already know or clients who can provide references; some Mistresses don’t like these activities and don’t engage in them with anyone.

As a newbie, you don’t have references and you have no way of knowing the difference between a Mistress who “doesn’t do strap-on” and a Mistress who doesn’t do strap-on. Once you can offer references, this will be much easier to figure out.

If an illegal activity is necessary to your enjoyment, contact a Mistress who advertises it.


Dominatrices generally do not offer sex.

I know the porn you saw where the Mistress is sucking and fucking her slave is hot. I watch it too. However:

Pro-dommes traditionally do not offer sex or sexual contact. Women who are willing to have sex for money find vanilla escort work much more lucrative. There are some Mistresses who offer sex, and they generally make it quite clear in their ads. There are plenty of escorts who offer BDSM and even some who specialize in combining sex with femdom. Check your local review boards to find a provider who knows what she's doing and can accommodate your session. 

If you are seeing a Mistress, do not expect a handjob, footjob or any kind of release to be included with the session.
You probably will be allowed to jerk yourself off near the end of the session. 

If you are looking for sex, handjobs, pussy worship or anything of the sort don’t bug a Mistress who doesn’t offer it.
It will piss her off and get you nowhere.  


Read her website first and pay attention.

If she lists hours of availability, don’t request sessions outside those hours.
If she requires a certain amount of notice, make sure you give her at least that much notice.
If she lists hard limits, respect them.
If she lists her prices, don’t ask her for her rate.
If she says she’s not looking for personal slaves, don’t ask to be her personal slave.

If you email her and ask her questions and all her answers end with “…like it says in the ad” you have failed.


No, you cheap fuck, she probably doesn’t want you as her personal slave.

Before you contact a Mistress to ask if she is looking for a personal slave, look at her ad and website.
Is she actively soliciting personal slaves? If she’s not, don’t bother asking.

When someone contacts me asking to be my personal slave, what they usually mean is: can you work for free?
The answer is always no. I have hot guys I play with in my personal life and I don't need you.
I don't care how helpful you think you are.
The fact that you are contacting a pro for free play says that you are much too stupid to be trusted with any important tasks. 

I accept housechore slaves, and even then I’m very picky and they are still expected to pay for play.
Many Mistresses have no interest whatsoever in having personal slaves.

If you want to become a personal slave and you don't want to pay for play, you have options:

Contact someone who is actively looking for personal slaves.
Become active in the BDSM scene and try to attract non-professional dominant women. 
See if your partner is interested in exploring BDSM with you. 

All these options are more effective than contacting a professional and asking her to do her job without pay.


Contacting Her

When you contact a Mistress, she will want to know what your interests are and when you want to session. Have this information ready.

She will usually give you a time to confirm, either by phone or e-mail, generally a few hours before the session. If you are booking far in advance she may have you make an additional confirmation a day or two before.

Be respectful.

Mistresses are accustomed to being treated with respect. Do not ever call a Mistress “baby” or “sweetie.”
We fucking hate that. Be polite in all your interactions with us.

Never ask for discounts. 

Discounts are not how a beautiful young woman like myself gets spoiled.
I will feel scornful toward those asking for a discounted rate when my rates are so clearly communicated.

Never, ever, ever argue with her stated boundaries.

If she tells you she doesn’t do something, don't beg her to make an exception.
If her website states that she doesn’t do something, don’t call her up and ask.
Boundary-pushing is a huge red flag and also delusional on your part.


Remember that she talks to prospective clients all day
and a lot of them are full of shit.

Screening clients is the most irritating part of my job. All Pro-Dommes get contacted by time-wasters, flakes, and wankers trying to trick us into free phone sessions. Lots of wankers like to claim they're new, and use their newbie status as an excuse for being inappropriate and asking lots of stupid questions. If I think you're full of shit, I'm not going to continue our conversation. 

Because wankers are so common, I have to be on guard for them at all times. In booking stages with clients I don't know, I'm often a little bit snappy and excessively strict. If I weren't, I'd be deluged with fakes and I'd get a lot of my time wasted. 

If a Domme seems very businesslike on the phone, it doesn't indicate that she's like that in session. It just indicates that she's trying to avoid wankers.


No, I won't describe what's going to happen in session.

Asking, “what will you do to me?” is a massive red flag. It makes me think you're trying to trick me into free phone sex.

No, I will not describe in detail what I will do to you. No, I will not present you with a list of ideas for our session. You will just have to trust me.

I understand that you may want more information than I am willing to give because you're nervous and don't know what to expect. Realize I have better things to do than invent free porn on the spot for anyone who asks. If you really need more information, you have multiple options. You can speak to me on Niteflirt, pay me to e-mail you a detailed list of possible scenarios, or book me for social time session during which we can discuss your interests over dinner or drinks. Most Mistresses offer some or all of those options.


Get the words “normal” and “weird” out of your vocabulary.

I was once contacted by a newbie client for a foot worship session.
Many of my foot clients have some interest in submission, so I asked him if he was interested in BDSM as well.
His response: “No, I’m normal.”

This is a terrible thing to say to a sadist.
Many Mistresses are into BDSM in their personal lives or have close friends who are,
and will find that kind of talk offensive. 

And hey -- if you're contacting me, you're at least a little bit kinky.
Why limit yourself? Why feel bad about your sexuality just because it's not mainstream?
Putting down the freaks to make yourself feel better about your kinks is only a temporary fix,
and you'll be better in the long run if you banish that line of thinking all together. 


Communicate clearly what you do and do not enjoy.

Most Mistresses offer foot worship sessions, and not all clients who do those sessions are submissive.
We know this. No Mistress will tie up and beat a client who comes in to worship her feet.
 If you are not submissive but have a foot fetish, all you have to say is:

“I’m not submissive but I have a foot fetish.”

Similarly, if you’re not interested in being hurt, just tell her:

“I’m not into pain.”

Easy.

Discretion

The other major worry clients have is discretion. In Philadelphia, every dungeon space I’ve ever seen has been very private.
There’s no signage outside, and once inside you will see only the Mistress(es) you are sessioning with.
We value privacy as much as you do.


Some ladies require deposits.

I understand why clients are wary of Mistresses who demand deposits. However, do understand that Mistresses get a deluge of flakes and asking for a deposit is a very good way to filter them out. Research the Mistress online and make sure she's reputable. If she’s a well-established Mistress, taking a deposit and running would ruin her reputation, and she’s highly unlikely to do so.

Even though there are many legitimate Dommes who require deposits, be sure to do your research and exercise caution. Scammers exist. They usually post ads in multiple cities, so try a reverse image search. If she's apparently in six different places at once and there's no trace of her elsewhere on the web, don't send her any money.


Be thorough and use good grammar.

Try to be as thorough as possible in your introductory e-mail.
Tell her a bit about your fantasies and let her know when you’d like to session.
Also include any questions you may have. It’s fine if you forget one or two and have to send her an e-mail later.
It’s annoying if you send her eight emails one question at a time.

This is an intro e-mail currently sitting in my inbox. In its entirety:

Strip me naked and put me on display where others can see.

How terribly demanding!
Also, he included none of the necessary information and asked no questions,
which in my experience means he’s not serious. I’m not responding to that.

Also important: if you are trying to make a good impression, good grammar and spelling are important.
Many Mistresses will not respond to poorly spelled e-mails. We’re snobs like that.
However, we also understand that some clients may not speak English as a first language, so please note if that's the case. 


Don’t book a session just to be polite.

Clients sometimes request activities I don’t do and book a session anyway after I turn them down. They almost never come through.

If you are talking to a Mistress and realize you are too nervous / she is too expensive / she doesn’t provide the services you are looking for, don’t feel obligated to book a session just to get off the phone. Thank her for her time and hang up.

If you later have money / are less nervous / develop interests that she caters to, she will probably refuse to see you if you have flaked on her in the past. She may also share your number with other Mistresses to make sure you don't waste their time, either. 


Sometimes we don’t answer immediately.

Sometimes I can’t answer my emails right away.
I might in be session, I might be on the subway, I might be with family.
I might be taking the day off to read books and play video games.
 Emailing six times in a row will not change any of this.

We know you’re excited.

There’s no need to send a dozen emails about how excited you are.



Canceling and Confirming


If you have to cancel, don’t be a dick.

So you booked a session and now you’re petrified / stuck in a meeting / remembering your mother’s birthday. It’s okay.
Contact the Mistress as soon as you possibly can to let her know. If she has given you a confirmation time, cancel before then.

She may have turned down other sessions in order to hold the time for you. She may have already spent time preparing for your session. Be apologetic, especially if you’re canceling last-minute. (Better yet, don’t cancel last-minute.) A giftcard or some money in her account will ensure that she is willing to give you another chance.

Did you know that you can e-mail gift certificates? You can. If she doesn’t have a wishlist, this is a good option.


Sessioning

Now that you’re in session, you’ve gotten past most of the classic newbie problems. Congratulations!


The pre-session chat is free.

I always have a quick chat with clients before the session to refresh my memory on their interests and allow them to elaborate if necessary. Newbie clients often look alarmed and ask me if this is cutting into their time. It’s not. I don’t start the time until we’ve started playing. Almost all Mistresses do the same thing. Relax. You’re not getting cheated.


Don’t be smelly.

Chances are you will be in a room with no windows. Shower and wear deodorant. For the love of God, brush your fucking teeth. Many dungeons keep mouthwash in the bathroom. Use it. 

No Mistress wants to put a smelly slave over her lap for a spanking.


Don’t be disgusting.

I once ordered a client to bend over for a paddling only to discover that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to his asshole. Never go into a session with toilet paper stuck to your asshole. If you think you might have have toilet paper stuck to your asshole, don’t take off your pants.

Yes, this experience was scarring enough to warrant its own item on this list.


Don’t be late.

Show up on time. Don’t be late. If you’re driving into South Philly after 5pm, parking will probably be an issue. Plan for it. If you’re running late, contact the Mistress and let her know. Otherwise she’ll be left sitting around the dungeon wondering if you’re a flake.

If she has sessions booked back to back, your session may be cut short and it will be all your fault. If you show up ten minutes late, you may have to have a fifty-minute session rather than an hour session, and she is within her rights to charge you the same price.


Don’t be early.

She may be in session with someone else, she may be getting ready or she may still be en route.
The room she booked for your session may not be ready yet.

A few minutes early is usually harmless. Ten minutes early is rude.

If you’re running ahead of schedule it is acceptable to contact her and ask if you can come in a little early.
Sometimes this is okay, or even preferable. Never show up early without permission.


Ask her how she prefers to be addressed.

Some Mistresses don’t care much as long as you’re respectful.
Some Mistresses feel interchangeable if you address them by title only without including their name.
I know many Mistresses who especially despise being addressed as “ma’am”.
I even know ladies who hate being called “Mistress.”

She may not not care, but asking is thoughtful.


Be respectful.

Never hurts to say it twice.

Don’t be grabby. She’ll give you a warning if you get too handsy – respect it.

Don’t spend the entire session begging her to take off her clothes if she has already told you that she will not take off her clothes. Turning you down every five minutes is very dull.

Clients who ignore boundaries are creepy and make us feel unsafe.
 If you make your Mistress feel unsafe, she will kick you out with no refund and you will deserve it. Don't be that asshole. 


Don't ask for personal information.

Don't ask for her real name, where she goes to school, if she has a boyfriend, or if her parents know what she does.
That's none of your business.

Perhaps my my most hated question: "So, what else do you do?"

You're at my job, paying me a large sum of money, and you're asking me how I make my living?
Seriously? I'm a full-time Domme, but if I weren't, you can bet I wouldn't be telling you anything.
I've heard one too many horror stories about Mistresses getting fired from their straight jobs after being outed.


Show your appreciation.

If you had an awesome time, let her know.
Good Mistresses take a great deal of pride in their work.
I love it when clients compliment my skills after a session and tell me what parts they enjoyed the most.

A thank-you e-mail is very much appreciated. 

Tip.

Tips are always appreciated.
$50 to $150 is considered a good tip. More is always lovely. $20 will do. Don’t tip less than $20.

Tips are pleasant surprises; It’s a nice way of showing your appreciation and getting into her good graces.



Conclusion

Exploring BDSM with professional Mistresses can be an incredibly fascinating and rewarding experience. 
Hopefully this guide has helped you relax and taught you something new about how to approach pro-Dommes. Enjoy.
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